In the midst of the worst of times it can seem as if there is no hope, no silver lining, and no way out. It often seems as if the world world makes you an Atlas for it's troubles, and the only way you can find release is through escaping within. Being a transgendered person can seem overwhelming, can even seem like an insurmountable object that blocks all paths. Speaking from personal experiance I know how difficult it can be to express your true nature when all around seems to want you to be the opposite. Gender is a very personal experience, with no two people experiencing the same. The world's view of duo gender is propogated in the media, and this makes people like us seem an aberation to their view. No matter how we express this gender varience we always seem to rub up against societies pre-conceived idea's.
If you are seeking answers to your gender you are obviously going to look at the world around you for affirmation of your inner self. The world around you wants you to conform, wants you to be male or female, and wants you to be a steriotype of your birth gender. Obviously this is an impossible position for the vast majority of people who don't question their gender, and for those who do have gender variance then it can be heart breaking tyring to mould yourself to other peoples ideas of what it is to be male or female. Conformity is a self defence mechanism, enabling you to pass un-noticed, yet at the same time it can stifle to inner you. We are walking contradictions in many ways; on the one hand wishing to fit in above all else, and on the other knowing we unlike any of those people around us. Each person has to accept that they are different in their own way to normality, but it is how we deal with our own differences that enable us to walk down the street with our heads held high.

If you are doubting yourself, finding it hard to breath in your own skin, or even if you find the whole gender thing confusing my best advise is not to do anything rash or rush into anything. Rather look at what you truly need and want from yourself, and don't forget that ultimately everyone is both genders. You are in control of your own life, and no-one has the right to brow beat you into making a choice that is not the right one for you.

Rachel