Coming Out

This has got to be the hardest of all the tasks that a transgendered person has to undertake. Friends, family, work collegues, tax, bank, and a hundred & one other organisations have to be told which can be very daunting. I remember when I first came out I had no idea about to approach it. I brought two name tags, one with Daniel and one with Rachel, and showed it to all my friends at college to help them understand that I was then Daniel but wanted to become Rachel. That was seven years ago and it still resonates now. It was a very daunting prospect actually changing from on gender to the other, and ultimately I got my deed poll a month before my 18th birthday which sorted out a lot of messy problems.

When and where:
There is no right or wrong scenario for coming out, though Uncle Franks funeral might be a bad idea for the more sensitive memebers of the family. It is up to you when and where you feel comfortable talking to people. A good place might be the local pub so you can be relaxed and have a chat. Maybe a coffee with your mum or sister would be appropirate. At the end of the day whatever situation you feel safe and comfortable in is best.

Negative reactions:
If you get a negative reaction don't panic. My parents still don't call me Rachel after 6 years of my transition, but they are still there for me when I need advice and support. If someone is downright rude and offensive then back off and give them time. I know it hurts and is very galling. My Uncle Paul was very rude about me and my mum got very annoyed at him for it. If your close friends and family react bady take a step back and give them time. My youngest sister reacted so badly that even now I have an issue with her. In time wounds will heal and you will be able to build a bridge between you and them. If you burn your bridges too early you may never have the oppotunity to rebuild them in the future, and you also never know when you may need their support.
Another point about negative reactions is that it is important to help the person or group concerned learn about what you are going through. Often people react badly because they are either scared or ill informed, or hold believes which decry what you are doing. The best way to overcome this is to have a dialogue and educate without being over bearing or acting childish. Just because someone disagree's with your choices doesn't mean they are you enemies. If you are paitent they may just surprise you.

Obviously you need to be aware for your own safety. If you feel unsure whether someone going to react in an adverse manner talk to them in a public space. That way if there is a problem you will be able to get away without worrying about you own safety.

Work:
Employers and your fellow collegues can be the scariest group to face and tell. Unlike family and friends they have no reason to keep any bonds with you, and it can be very daunting explaining your situation to a hundred different people. I often find it draining having to justify myself to people who don't even care. If you trust your employers and feel safe transitioning there then it is a good idea to transition, but if you feel that your transition would be unworkable then maybe a change of jobs would be a good idea. UK law protects transgendered people from discrimination, and I am sure most countries have similar legislation. The problem is that it is your perception of how you are treated that will make the difference. I will make no bones and say that working in an office can be hard if you don't have support from those around you.
Idealy you should be able to rely on your friends within work to help give you advice, and always speak to your HR department for company policy. If you get no joy try this government site if you are in the uk or the Transgender Law and Policy Institute if your are in the USA. For more useful links please see my links page.

Young transitioners:
This is a tricky issue as there are many who feel that the young you transition the better off you will be. In my own opinion I think that if you transition too early mistakes can be made and this can lead to problems later on in life. I know that there are many who advocate early diagnosis and treatment, and there are many children who benefit from this. I myself knew with certainty from the age of 9 or 10 that I would be Rachel, and everything fitted into place to ensure that it happened. Many older transitioner wish they could have transitioned early on in life, but realistically we all transition when the time is ready for us. If you are a younger reader then my best advice is to think very carefully about what choices you are about to make, and about the impact this will have on your adult life.
For instance the abillity to bear your own biological children is next to impossible if you transition early in puberty. For me and others who transition in their late teens and early 20's we can freeze our sperm, but the choice not to have children biologically is something that will weigh heavily later on. I had major depression when I was 21 because I could not be a mother, and even though I came to terms with this and have decided to adopt it is still not an easy choice. I do look at this as one of the toughest choices I have ever had to make, and this is why I always advise caution. Please read my pages for young transitioners for a more detailed look at these issues.

Hormones:
There are strong arguments for and against self meding of hormones. On the one hand if you self med you are more likely to get hormones from your doctor or psychiatrist. On the other if you take the wrong drugs you will end up doing a lot of harm to your body. I did self med when I was 17/18 on a herbal hormone that had no effect, and I was then able to convince my GP to give me hormones. I don't generally advocate this route, though, as I feel it can lead to long to complications. Rather I would advise you to speak to your doctor first. Please remember a short term boost is not worth your long term health. You have the rest of you life to live after you have transition.
If you are under 18 and are finding it difficult to obtain hormones legitimately please don't be tempted in taking anything illegal. Your still going through puberty and can do some serious damage to your liver and kidneys. I was lucky that I didn't mess myself up, and I don't want you to be the unlucky one.

Finally...
Coming out is, to paraphrase, not end, nor is it the beginning of the end; rather it is the end of the beginning. You still have many more choices to make in the next months and years. Do you want surgery? Do you want to take hormones? Do you want to date guy, girls, or both? Do you want children? Do you want to get married? And many more beside. See this as the first stepping stone across the river, and see transition as means to life, not as life itself. I know many people will have issue with my opions within this page, so please mail me if you would like to ask me any questions or have quey.

Hugs,
Rachel